A quiet kind of crazy...

I said the other day that I don't have a lot to say right now.

Silly me.

I've been down this road so many times before, I should have recognized the spiral. You know, the downward one, the one that sucks you in to the pits of, if not quite despair, then at least blahness.

I'm feeling incredibly insignificant lately. I've had a couple of those weeks where I just can't do anything right. Work's a bust, my eldest spawn is having issues, I've been having far too many "mother of the year" moments with my youngest spawn, I feel like I can't say anything right when it comes to my friends (note to my readership: nobody, and I mean NOBODY has made me feel like that--it's a personal issue, I promise), and I don't even want to get into the direction my marriage is taking.

One of my dearest friends and I used to have these conversations about how if life were a boat, and if that boat were sinking, and each person could only save one other person...who would choose US to save?

Uplifting, those conversations.

To sum up my brain at this point in time: I feel like noone would choose me to save.

It's a horrible feeling, a horrible mental place to be. I used to visit this place more often, so maybe that's why I didn't realize I was headed here again.

I don't talk about it with anybody, because it's hard for most people to understand. When your brain turns against you, it's hard to convince the people you love that they did not do anything to make you feel this way, nor can they do anything to make you stop feeling this way. Sometimes you'll come back in a day, sometimes in a week, sometimes a month.

I'm not allowed to have feelings in real life, unfortunately, so it may come out here. I apologize in advance, but I have to move up a few notches on the emotional scale, and soon. Please bear with me.